“Mirror, Mirror on the wall…who’s the fairest of them all.”
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“Not me” said I hanging my head in shame. “It’s never going to be me.”
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I sigh as I see all the ugly…the double chin, the large upper arms, the marshmallow middle and the size 22w t-shirt that feels too tight after seconds at lunch.
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Tears come eventually and I walk away feeling defeated and small. Actually I feel like a pregnant elephant who is clumsy and fat and all i want to do is smash every mirror in the house.
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This was me everyday for almost 15 years. Something would grab my attention in the mirror and out of shame or disgust, I would self-medicate with brownies or ice cream or chips and dip. I hated my body and I slid straight into the pit of hell where negative, abusive self talk became my way of life.
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Then one day, while with my daughter at PT, I saw myself in the wall mirror and made a face. Courtney’s PT Pam locked eyes with me in the mirror and simply said “You are stronger than you think you are. It’s all there, you just need to see it.”
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That brief interchange stayed with me. I began to search for the strength she saw. I read everything I could on body positivity and emotional overeating and sought counsel when I hit a roadblock. I began a spiritual journey of self-acceptance that continues to this day.
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There are no tears anymore. The voice inside my head has been silenced with my choice to see the that I am strong. These arms I mocked, carried my 125 pound disabled daughter for years. That mushy middle carried life four times and birthed life twice.
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I am beautiful. That double chin is my fathers and my grandfathers chin, both strong men of virtue and faith.
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Perfection does not exist outside of Heaven and that’s OK. I know without a doubt that I am a fearfully and wonderfully made in the image and likeness of God.
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You are too, my sister. So stand strong. Know your worth and remember that when God looks at you, He sees nothing but perfection.
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Listen for that still small voice that says, “You are not a mistake. You are not a problem to be solved. You are AWESOME and I love you. ALL of you.” – Love, God
So encouraging and inspirational! Needed to read these words today!
I’m so happy they could help Susan.
You speak to the very place I am working with God to navigate to a place of loving acceptance.
Loving acceptance is possible and I hope you can reach that place soon friend. It’s quite liberating. I promise.
I am actually just started seeing a therapist because I am still struggling at 62 years feeling loved at any size. Intellectually, I get it. Emotionally is another story. This year 2 of my children had gastric sleeve and look fabulous and I am jealous which complicates matters—pride and jealousy can co-exist! I know intrinsically that God loves me, I just wish I felt it more often. I need the emotional connection. I am otherwise blessed beyond measure: great husband, children, grandchildren, profession and relatively good health. I sound greedy!
I understand completely Peggy. that emotional connection is the toughest thing to achieve isn’t it. I found that it doesn’t matter what program I try but where my head is. It’s a mental and emotional game that I am determined to win one day at a time.