Day Four ~ what i wore ~ making peace with your body shape
Day Five ~ Cousin Katie’s Turkey and Sweet Potato Chili
Day Six and Seven ~ A Vlog
Day Eight ~ What Does “Whole” Mean?
Day Nine ~ When Mary Crashes Hard
Day Ten and Eleven ~ What I Wore ~ There is Only One YOU!
Day 12 ~ Looking Back and Understanding
Day 13 ~ Tears and Heartbreak
Day 14 ~ No Sabotage
Days 15, 16 and 17 ~ The Tug of Time
Days 18, 19 and 20 ~ Anxiety 101
Days 21, 22 and 23 ~ When You keep making the same mistake
Days 24 and 25 ~ Stuff Still Happens
What I Wore ~ Be Brave and Tuck it in
Day 26 ~ Preparation is Half the Battle
Days 27 and 28 ~ ten months, eigtht years and a new challenge
What I Wore ~ Pattern Mixing
Days 29, 30 and 31 ~ forward!
Tomorrow is the Feast of St. Therese, my mothers favorite saint and also her namesake. It’s a special day with Mass and roses for the best Mama I know.
Marianne Therese Stuecken Green, you are a godsend to me and have taught me so much. You taught me how to love and sacrifice. You taught me how to work hard and pray harder, You taught me that when we put God first, amazing things happen. The greatest gift you ever gave me was my Catholic faith. For that I can never say enough “thank you’s”. I love you Mommy and I look forward to Mass with you tomorrow morning. BEST part of my day for sure.
You also taught me that when changes need to be made, the only way to do is to dive in and work your ass off. Tomorrow is also the first day of a new journey, lasting exactly 31 days. I have chosen to call it “31 Days to Whole”.
Two years ago I dabbled with writing 31 days straight here in this space, about gratitude. It was a time of transition for us with Courtney. She was home full-time and fairly healthy. She still had seizures every day but she was also doing PT with Miss Pam and laughing and was really present to us at that time. I chose to write about gratitude because I needed to keep focused on all the awesome things there were about being a Mama and a caregiver.
When I focused on gratitude, the harder stuff seemed easier to deal with. This year it’s not about Courtney or our relationship. She is in heaven with God and no longer needs my care. This year it’s about her grieving Mama and dealing with some of my deeper issues with food, emotions and faith and their deep connection to one another.
Tomorrow I start my physicians/health coach’s version of the Whole 30 program. As we chatted about some of my current health issues, he said after everything I have faced in the last year, it was time to start caring for myself with the same passion I cared for Courtney. After all, I too was a child of God and worth fighting for.
I was floored. He knows of my deep faith and knows how important it is to me. This was the first time I heard him speak in such a way though. I have a feeling that Courtney and the Holy Spirit had something to do with it.
Just a little bit.
I had never thought of of my health in those terms before. I have a very emotional connection to food. For me it means love, joy, celebration, sadness and grief. It is the center of my day. “What’s for dinner?” is the first thing my husband asks every.single.morning for twenty-seven years.
Seriously, it’s kind of a big deal around these parts. I love to cook. I love to bake. I love to eat. I do these things with great passion, wether I am happy or sad.
This is slowly killing me.
I am a pre-Type 2 Diabetic who is morbidly obese (according to current BMI standards). I have had joint issues in my knees for years as well as the beginning of neuropathy pain and numbness in my feet this past year. Thankfully my heart is in good shape but my cholesterol levels are not doing me any favors, neither are my triglycerides.
Are you scared for me yet?
Hell, I am scared for me.
I sat down a few weeks ago and just let it all sink in. If I don’t make serious changes in my life now, I will be a burden to my family that I never wish to be.
I share this with you because grief, weight loss, emotional overeating and my prayer life are all intertwined for me. I have been in this cesspool a really long time and to climb out of it is going to be really, really tough.
This is not about food. It’s about my relationship with food and with accepting who I am and how God sees me.
It’s about a healthy love of self.
I chose to share this here in this space because:
#1. I need you to pray your butts off I can do this. Like seriously pray.
#2. I have been open and honest about all the good and the bad for the last eight years here and I cannot imagine going through this without you guys cheering me on.
#3. I’m scared. I have spent half of my adult life looking after and caring for my husband and children and ignoring many of my own issues. To stare them in the face today scares the crap out of me.
#4. I can’t afford therapy, so you’re it. Let’s do this.
#5. Things must change for my health and my sanity. I’m tired of being tired, sad, unfocused and unmotivated. I’m tired of not being me.
I write this with a lovely cafe latte by my side. It will be my last one for 31 Days and maybe even more beyond that depending on how this goes. The original Whole 30 Program is basically no dairy, no sugar, no grains and no legumes. Mine will contain more than a few adjustments to that. I will not be going cold turkey on anything, just taking a significant step back from these foods.
Sounds like quite the party, no?
The whole point of this adventure is to learn and understand what my body needs and what makes me ill. To acknowledge why I eat when I do and what I need to do to change my relationship with food. To reward myself when I meet goals with more positive things besides food.
It’s the beginning of a new chapter in my life. It’s time to put my health and well-being first on that life list.
SO here we go my friends…31 Days to Whole.
You with me?