Can I just say that y’all are just the most fabulous humans on the planet. Your prayers and words of encouragement after my emotional breakdown yesterday have been so overwhelming and I cannot tell you how much it means to me.
I am just so amazed that you stay with me through all the cray cray that shows up here in this space. I am humbled and grateful for this beautiful community.
I learned a few things about myself in the last 36 hours. Thunderstorms and “microbursts” have a way of clearing one’s mind and showing the ugly of my internal landscape.
Here is what I learned:
I hate it when the power goes out.
I hate it even more when the power goes out and I just went to the grocery store for perishables, and money is very tight, and those perishables…have now perished.
I hate to be hot and sweaty.
I cannot sleep if I am hot and sweaty.
I am very, very cranky…hell downright unpleasant…when I am hot and sweaty.
I am not proud of my behavior last night or anytime I decide to recreate a scene from “Once Upon A Time”, me being the wicked witch. Not a proud moment at all.
I love air conditioning. I could marry air conditioning…if that was an actual thing that one could do.
I like having a fan in my bedroom, oscillating and blowing happy air on me as I sleep.
If the power is out, that cannot happen.
I then turn into a not nice person. I am a big wimp when it comes to these things. A life threatening seizure…I am there for you. Calm and cool, ready to help.
My power goes out or something breaks or I can’t pay all the bills and I am way stressed out. I have been stressed out A LOT lately.
This realization makes me want to crawl into a hole. Who can’t handle the little s*** that life throws at you?
Argh. SO much still yet to learn.
I have learned that I miss my daughter more today than the day she died.
It is possible to cry for an entire 24 hours and still have tears left. You will have one hell of a headache, but it is possible.
Sitting in the dark and silence during a massive storm, actually feels like my insides are being bared to the world.
Hail falls beating the side of the house, like my fists beating on the chest of Jesus, yelling at Him to give Courtney back to me.
I should not be around social media when I am having an emotional breakdown. Wowza…it’s messy. Very messy.
Especially when there is so much sadness in the world and there are people who are hurting much more than I am. #PrayforCharleston
I have figured out that this whole losing your child thing is damn hard.
Really, really, really, really f-ing hard.
Harder than taking care of her while she was alive.
Harder than grieving the life I thought we would have together.
There are still deep open wounds in my heart and it will take a long time for them to heal, making it impossible for me to move forward without stumbling over my grief, no matter the day or time.
Debt, even if it’s amassed trying to care for your special needs child, is difficult to handle, but reversible with a LOT of hard work and time.
Being without Courtney is much harder and can never be reversed. It is a forever thing and I freaking hate it.
Every second of every day.
We have participated in so many miracles during Courtney’s lifetime, that I feel like we have had more than our fair share, so maybe there aren’t anymore in that pile…only time will tell. #StCourtneyPray4Us
Pride goes before the fall…and I am already prostrate before Him. Who needs pride? I just want peace.
Time does not heal ALL wounds.
Time just keeps moving forward, even if I am not ready for it.
Like the microburst thunderstorm we had last night. Fierce and powerful leaving destruction in it’s wake.
I also know that every sacrifice made, every penny spent, every hour of lost sleep and every tear shed was worth it. Courtney Elizabeth was worth risking it all. Jonathan is worth risking it all. Jerry is worth the same. They are my heart and I will work until the end of my days in honor of them.
I know we are not alone, in our grief, in our debt, in our daily walk through all of this. Other families have lost more than we have and they have found joy again. They have found life again.
I know we will too. One day. We will.
That’s what I know.
My email has exploded with readers requesting I put the PayPal button back up for those who wish to help with our debt. It’s extensive, approx. $71,000. It’s a lot and will take years to whittle down. Anything helps. Anything. So, I will keep it at the bottom of my posts for awhile. I know so many of you are facing your own financial distress. It’s so hard. I know. Our prayers are with you. You all have already given so much to our family. Too much. We can never repay that kindness. So thank you…just thank you. If you would like our mailing address, please just email me at firstname.lastname@example.org and I will send it.