Do you miss me?
I miss you all so very much.
These past few weeks have been very challenging but necessary for me to really dig into my grief and embrace a new life, one without my sweet Courtney to care for. Jerry and I continue to grieve our girl one day at a time. I am finding that the initial fog is finally lifting and I am beginning to be able to take on small projects without being overwhelmed.
|Miss Courtney ~ September 2014|
Today is Mothering Sunday in the Catholic Church. Our Mother’s Day. We had our second Sunday of Scrutinies at our parish with the catechumens that are entering the church on Easter Sunday. The Gospel was my absolute favorite reading out of the Gospel of John, Chapter 9. These verses always make me smile…
|Court’s sweet feet ~ September 2014|
That highlighted verse is what changed things for Jerry and I as we were coming to grips with Courtney and her diagnosis years and years ago. Today it all came back to me as our Deacon read those words.
Our Courtney was the light of our world. Her job here was to show us how to love. She allowed God to use her life to glorify Him and therefore teach us what unconditional love looked like and felt like. You see, that’s how we loved our girl. Unconditionally, without hesitation, with all we had, both physically, financially and emotionally. We took each battle that came and fought with everything we had.
|22!! ~ August 2014|
At the end of each battle another lesson was learned, another opportunity to thank God and glorify His name was given and this was repeated over and over again for twenty-two years. My daily routine did not change. There were seizures to deal with and illness and all kinds of physical challenges, but I changed. My attitude and my capacity to love Courtney changed as time went on.
My heart grew to overflowing with love for this beautiful child and her big brother. My intellect increased to be able to understand the needs of her care, my soul stretched as I humbled myself before God knowing that the only way I would get through the day was to completely rely in Him and His grace to make it to the end of the day. Some days were ugly–filled with pain and self pity. Others, I was able to really focus on what God needed me to do and just keep moving.
|Always smiling ~ August 2014|
As I listened to the gospel this afternoon followed by the beautiful homily our pastor gave, I realized that my time with Courtney is not over, it’s just different. Instead of physically caring for her, I am now spiritually caring for her and she for me. She is with me all day everyday, just on the other side of that veil that separates heaven and earth.
You see, before Jesus came, people saw those who had disabilities as people filled with sin or that their parents were filled with sin. The only saw a mistake. Then Jesus changed the game. He preached love and forgiveness and allowed these special ones to be known as a conduit to praise and glorify Him. God makes no mistakes. Each of us is made in His image and likeness and meant to be loved, fully and completely, not marginalized because of our differences.
|Final rest ~ December 31, 2014|
He loves us so unconditionally that he allows situations in our lives where we have to humble ourselves and rely totally on Him. How else would we learn how much we need Him in our lives? If we didn’t suffer, then why would we seek him out?
I realized that the unconditional love I gave my daughter is just a tiny speck of the amount of love God gives to me.
A tiny speck.
That blows my mind. That makes my heart explode for joy. I am truly overwhelmed by Him and so blessed for it. Yes, I miss my beautiful Courtney every minute of everyday, BUT because Christ died for me and my sins, I now know without a doubt that one day I will see my Courtney again. One day I will hold her in my arms again.
|Always snuggling ~ November 2014|
On this Mothering Sunday, I know deep in my heart that I will always be Courtney’s mother for that kind of love stands outside time and I am ever so grateful for that. It doesn’t take away the pain of my loss, but it brings me joy and gives me hope for the future.
Thank you my sweet baby girl for teaching me how to truly love without selfishness or pride but with a heart filled with humility and grace, God given, one day at a time.
Happy Mothering Sunday my sweet friends. I look forward to my full return here in this space on Easter Sunday. I thank you in advance for your prayers.