The state of my mind these days. Blank.
These days of early Advent have been quiet ones for Miss Courtney and I. Most of the Christmas decorations are up in the house so I can concentrate on just caring for Courtney without feeling the pressure (self-imposed mind you) to create a happy holiday atmosphere. I have a few small things still to do but they will get done this week.
Other than that, I feed everyone, do the laundry, hold Courtney, do her exercises to keep her joints loose and blood flowing to her feet and hands since she can no longer stand. I massage her back and bum since she is so very tiny now. She smiles and laughs. She seizes and fights for breath. She cries out in pain and snuggles in for reassurance and comfort.
Court is quiet most days maybe humming for about 20-30 minutes in the morning and then later in the afternoon. This is so different from our Chewbacca girl of just a year ago. The changes are to be expected but are difficult to walk through.
I have big swings of emotion throughout each day. Quiet tears as I hold her and she sleeps in my arms followed by debates with God on when He will call her home. Begging Him to come one day and begging Him just as hard to stay away the next. I know that all of this is typical for Mamas going through this with their children but it can be a bit exhausting to say the least.
My Mom told me to cherish this time with her. I am. I really am. The privilege of time is a gift I do not take for granted. Not one second of it. But there are days when a blank stare is all I can come up with. I am tired when I wake up and tired when I go to sleep. It takes everything I have to take care of the basics in the house so the dust bunnies don’t start yelling at me. Fortunately we were gifted with so much frozen food during Miss Courtney’s love bombs that cooking is pretty simple and I am so very grateful for that.
I remember a more bubbly me. I remember the anticipation of St. Nicholas Day last year when we gave the children a special ornament that reminds them of something special that experienced or something they loved. Jonathan got Green Lantern ornament because of his love for that comic book character. Miss Courtney got a dancing angel because that’s how I think of her. Dancing and smiling and being filled with such joy.
I love Christmas. Everything about it. Advent, Feast Days, decorations, baking cookies, parties, decorating the house, singing carols, celebrating with friends and family, and on and on. To know that this is probably Courtney’s last Christmas makes it all the more intense for me.
This year I am struggling to get into it. Other than putting up the decorations to make sure my guys feel some sort of normalcy, that our world really isn’t falling apart, that’s all I have had the energy to do. It’s like I am here but I am also watching this happen from somewhere else. Maybe it’s self protection, the only way I can handle what is coming.
Blank. Good or bad, that’s where I am tonight.