Miss Courtney spent most of her day in bed, all rolled up in a ball comfy and cozy. I finally got her up around three this afternoon and she was agitated. She didn’t want to be held, she just wanted to stretch out. So I put her on her mat and she rolled form side to side and hummed. I tried to hold her one more time and she would not have it. So back to her happy mat she went.
I sat down in our chair and tears streamed down my face. What if she wouldn’t let me hold her agin? What if she just needed to be in bed stretched or curled up or snuggled in between pillows for the rest of her time with us?
I quietly cried.
My Mom took my hand and told me to let it out. She reassured me in that moment that all would be well no matter what. Courtney wasn’t rejecting me, she just wanted to be alone for a bit. Typical young adult she said.
I don’t know why it just hit me like that. My heart aches so bad tonight. The thought of never holding her again is too much for this Mama to contemplate. Just too much.
Tonight, after her last tube feeding, Miss Courtney started having seizures. I found myself holding my sweet girl as she suffered though one after another, as she worked her way through breathing and pulsating and crying. An hour went by, then a second one. Finally she calmed down and fell asleep.
In my arms. Where she was meant to be. Where I want her to stay. Forever.
I held her as she breathed in and out, in and out. I kissed her beautiful head and stroked her hair. I lifted her sweet hands to my lips then held them close to my heart. This sweet beautiful creature who God decided I would have the privilege to love for her whole life and more, curled into me and that was the best part of my day. Plumbing be damned.
I am so very tired.
I don’t want my Courtney to die. I don’t.
I would deal with 20 seizures a day and her face turning blue and her crying out for her Mama, if only she would stay.
I would deal with adult diapers until I can’t move, if only she would stay.
I would get up every three hours to feed her for the rest of my life if she would just stay.
Whatever had to be done, I would do it, if she would just stay.
Unfortunately, God has a different plan in mind. At least that what it looks like tonight. I gotta say I am not a fan of this plan. Not.a.fan.at.all.
Waves of grief come over me with no warning and I have Kleenex boxes at the ready on every surface in the house. Not the best decorating look I have to say.
Every time my son goes to work or leaves to go hang out with his friends, he first stops and gives his sister a kiss, whispers love that only she can hear and then heads out. When he comes home, he goes straight to her bedside and does the same.
Whatever has not broken already shatters again at the thought of Courtney not here to hum or yell or kick her boots into the street in the pouring rain.
I do not know how I will survive this loss. I don’t even want to think about it. I just want to hold my sweet girl for a little while longer. Please God…just a little while longer.
If only Lord, you would just let her stay…
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