I know, it has been a week since I was here in this space. My apologies but we have had a hard few days here with Miss Courtney.
Seizures ALL day Sunday. Wrestles ALL day Monday. Seizures ALL day today.
She doesn’t want you to hold her or touch her. She can’t seem to find a comfy way to sleep. She seizes and then whimpers and then seizes again. We have given her rescue meds three times in two days and she has not slept since Monday morning.
She is plan worn out.
I am worner outer.
This is the hard part of letting her go. I cannot always comfort her. I have tried every trick in my vast arsenal of twenty-two years of being her Mama and I cannot fix this. It’s killing me people. Slowly but surely, this is just taking me down.
My girl is such a fighter. I am so proud of her strength and her fortitude but we are reaching a place where her little body will not be able to fight much more. Her seizure meds have been increased and that is all that can be done to help ease her distress.
She started running a low grade fever this afternoon and I called the Doc. He walked me though all the steps of trying to figure out what could be wrong. Because of her frail state, going to the ER with all the illnesses that are floating around is just not an option right now. So we have a protocol in place and we will wait and see if this develops into anything and go from there.
I know I am to stand on faith that God has a plan for my girls Heaven Homecoming. I have no doubt that once she is there I will feel great joy that her race has been run with all the grace she could muster. But watching it happen is a whole other story.
This is the hard work of mothering and caregiving. Knowing that there is nothing you can do to bring comfort and relying completely on Our Father and his Blessed Mother to bring my girl home. The tears flow freely these days and I am not ashamed of them. I have loved this child with my whole being, as I love her brother. My heart expands each day, filled with more love and respect for this child who is carrying out God’s plan for her life with incredible dignity.
I just want healing and peace for her. No more pain, no more fear.
That will only come when she is standing at the foot of the throne of Our Gracious God. So I cry, I pray, I hold her when she lets me, I sing to her, I read to her, I cry some more, I pray over her, I pray for her, I pray for others. I do everything I can with what little energy I have and trust that God will take care of the rest.
So please keep praying for our girl. Pray that she has a peaceful death whenever God is ready for her to come home to Him. Pray that I am able to sleep and not worry. Pray that when I am filled with fear and doubt that I am not doing enough, that the devil takes a hike and leaves me in peace.
God is good ALL the time. We will praise Him in the rain and praise Him in the sunshine. We will run this race and stay on our very tired feet as long as the Lord deems it so.
Have I ever told you how much I hate long distance running? A marathoner I am not.
God help me and my sweet Courtney…now and always…
and taking care of the cost of the remainder of her final arrangements**