I feel like I am living in that movie “Groundhog Day” with Bill Murray. Each day looks the same. Get up, make g-tube formula, give meds, give formula, change diaper, give formula, get Court cleaned up and dressed, give formula, get myself showered and dressed, give med, give formula, and so on…and so on…
This is what it’s like with in home hospice. Same thing different day. I don’t mind given that I know in the end my child will be laid in the arms of Christ and my arms will be forever empty. I have become slightly obsessed with holding Courtney as much as possible. She is not always a fan but thankfully she lets me do it anyway.
I am a highly unmotivated housekeeper these days, which is saying something given my past uninspiring performance. Somedays we have visitors and others none. That’s OK. I know that I will be closing those doors soon because it’s getting harder for me to deal with the emotions and the physical strain of others sadness. I don’t mean to sound ungrateful at all, but this is a hard thing, this letting go and saying goodbye.
The hospital bills keep rolling in. There are still funeral details to take care of and pay for. Jerry still has no offer and his last day at work is still Oct. 3 unless he is extended again. I am trying not to freak out. I know that God has this situation fully in hand but golly that is one tall order for me these days. I want to be a strong woman of faith, be positive and joyful but there are times when I want to shout and scream and pout and stomp and just let it all go.
Humanity is such a cross sometimes. So I pray, I cry on occasion, I hold my daughter, I laugh with my son, I crave everything pancake and waffle like, but so far have resisted death by powdered sugar. I decided today that I just want this done, then I felt like crap all afternoon for wishing a quicker ending for my daughter.
There is no winning here. Courtney is still going to die. I am still going to crave all things WaffleHouse and bills will still need to be paid. That my friends is one crap pie.
So until tomorrow when we get to do it all over again…know you are being prayed for and for heavens sake, keep me away from the breakfast buffet…
for any help with Courtney’s extensive medical bills**