** this post is honest, deep and may be laced with profanity from time to time. I warn you so you know I am being real and there will be no happy clappy party. You may need kleenexes…just saying…**
This evening was the beginning of the goodbyes. It’s part of our plan, my sweet SIL and my two nieces came by for dinner and then they helped me go through Courtney’s closet and dresser to clear out her old clothing that is now two sizes too big, so we can put her new things away.
As I held each piece, there was a story to go with it. There was laughter and a few tears. I thought I handled it pretty well. I set aside several things that were dear to me for her memory quilt when the time comes.
There was one moment when one of them tried on Court’s USNA sweatshirt. Jerry looked at her, smiled, hugged her, and walked away. The look on his face broke me. The realization of what is coming is sinking in. There are no words…
The girls tried more things on and I sent them home with several bags of clothing, with more to go to other friends/family whose daughters are that size. It made this chore a little lighter with family. To know that Courtney’s things will be loved and cared for a little while longer somehow made it bearable.
I held my daughter tonight after a hard day for her. Court is struggling under the heavy dose of meds to try and keep the seizures at bay. Her weight continues to drop and the coming weeks and months will be filled with more days like today. No humming, just staring into space.
I don’t know how I am going to do this. I don’t know if I can let her go with grace. I talk a damn fine game my friends but my heart is breaking a little more everyday as I hold her broken little body as it wastes away. This is so freaking hard. I rejoice for where she is going but damn I want to go with her. I don’t want to be left behind.
I am often told that my ability to remain positive in all this is amazing. Let’s get very real for one moment. I am not always positive. I can’t be. My daughter is dying right in front of my eyes. Who the hell would I be if I was happy clappy all the time?
Yes, I am so grateful and humbled by so many who are making this journey easier. Truly I am. Those love bombs allow me to fully concentrate on my daughter and caring for her in these last months.
But if I am totally honest with myself, I am way pissed off that this is how it’s going to end. I know, it’s useless and I struggle with that anger because I sat in it for seven years when she was first dealing with the seizures. I know how destructive it can be and I have two men who need me to be strong.
So I try and stay in that middle place so I can handle the day to day needs of my girl. It’s getting harder as people come and say goodbye because I know that I will have to do the same soon. I just don’t want to let her go. I want this all to go away. What I wouldn’t give for it to go away.
Tonight I realized how challenging this is going to be helping everyone else say goodbye. I want to slam the door and just hold her but I know that my family needs to say what they need to say. It’s important but damn it’s hard.
Forget hard…this sucks a shit pile!
This girl is loved by many and deeply. I know that I am not the only one whose heart is breaking but I am the Mama and I don’t want to let her go. She came from my body, fed at my breast, and I have held this child through every hardship in her life for twenty-two years. I don’t know what my arms will feel like without her in them.
I don’t know if I can do this.
It just hurts too much.
No ones heart can withstand this, especially mine.
for any help with Courtney’s extensive medical bills**
Thank you for being so honest my friend. I am praying with you and for you and loving you from far far away. But the distance doesn't make it any less intense. {{{{{HUGS}}}}} across the miles.
No words. Just prayers. September is dedicated to Our Lady of Sorrows. May she rock you in her arms and console you as you suffer alongside your daughter's Passion.
no words. just hugs. lots of them. also lots of prayers.
So glad you shared this side of you too. You will have a very special bond…albeit unwanted…but a bond with Blessed Mother than many don't; she watched her Son die, I mean right there, the entire time–every pain, every torture, every ache. And She's with you Mary, you know that, I know that, it's still hard and unfair and every other word we can throw at it…good choice in some of them tonight by the way. People keep saying "God's got this," well Mary's got you…Mary.
I don't have words to reply, Mary. But I'm reading your heartfelt and sacred words and praying for you, yours, and your dear daughter.
Your heart truly is being pierced by a sword. I'm sure your family and friends appreciate your generosity in allowing them to have their moments with Courtney, even while you wish you could just shut the door on the world and cuddle your daughter as long as you can. You all are in my prayers. Memorare UP!
Prayers for you, dear Mary! Thank you so much for your honesty…it helps us to know what your needs are so we can take those to prayer, too!
There are no words. Only prayers. And you have mine.
Praying and crying … <3
I will offer the Novena I am beginning tomorrow to St Therese of Lisieux for you and your family. Grace and peace, Mary.
May God hold you the way you Hold Courtney, may the love of us surrounding you help you through ….
Praying for you and your family.
I agree with the other prayer warriors… No words can take the mother pain you are feeling… But the fact that God trusted you to care for your special girl only shows how He will help YO U say good bye…. God has been orchestrating for 22 years getting you both ready for this time. He has a plan and will not fail to be with you through this time and after … He. won't. fail. you……. We are praying for peace for you and your loved ones and for all the wonderful people that have come into Courtney's life… God Bless You….
Many prayers for your Courtney and for your hubby, son and YOU. Thank you for sharing your journey and hers with us- although you live 3000 miles away, I know she is a living saint and it is a blessing to share a little bit in her life.
I am praying and I will ask my husband to pray too. I got married a bit too late in life to have children, so can't even imagine what it's like to have a child let alone lose one.
Speaking of Courtney's clothes, I have always admired how you dress her in pretty, trendy outfits. Like you are saying, even though she has a simple life and much time at home, she still deserves cute outfits and color and style. It's a little lesson for us all in the simple acts of love.
Oh Mary, I am crying with you.
I have just found you and Sweet Miss Courtney this past week on Instagram. I am praying sweet friend, because unfortunately, I am already part of that, " my child has died" club, and knowing ANYONE else is joining is earth shattering. I am so sorry. Why God asks this of mothers is beyond me, it is SO hard to grasp. In our hearts we know that if we HAVE to part with them, we would not let them leave for ANYWHERE but heaven. THankfully we know Miss Courtney has a straight ticket. My sweet little Miriam was born, and He took her 11 hrs later, with no warning….we did have her baptized and thankfully can rest assured she's our little saint…but how the heck He thought that was a good thing, I'll never know. Living with a daughter in heaven is THE hardest thing, beyond hard, most days it's seems like a nightmare and that it is impossible. YET, when you hear people's stories on how your sweet girl has helped them become a better person and how she has interceded for them, that is the little bit of medicine you need to get through your day. You and your family are always on my mind and in my heart. PRAYING Mary and Courtney.
Sharon
http://www.mytreauredgems.blogspot.com