So yesterday afternoon I walked away from social media, held my daughter through THREE more grand-mal seizures, cried and prayed for wisdom, strength, faith and anything else I could think of as I waited patiently for my husband to return home to his oh so unhappy wife.
I was done. Over it. Tired beyond words. All I wanted to do was run away.
My guy walked in the door at the appointed time, took one look at his girls, went to the kitchen drawer and pulled out a sacred gift card from a local restaurant chain and ordered dinner. Have I mentioned how thankful we are for all those who, for no specific reason, reach out and send us a gift card, or email one, to a restaurant chain, coffee place, book store or retail store?? I cannot say thank you enough. Truly. I want to run up to them and hug them tight around the neck and tell them how much I love them in that moment for sending me a lifeline for days like yesterday. You will never know how much it means. Thank you for loving us in such a sweet and practical manner.
When the going gets really, really tough for this Mama, I shut down. I truly do. I just have nothing else left to give. I begin to doubt every decision made and I struggle hard. I wrestle with my sin and my unfaithfulness to the ONE who has ALWAYS provided what is needed in the most spectacular ways.
My humanity shines though in a big way, leaving me crumpled and soggy like the kleenex I discarded after the ugly cry last night.
Yesterday was one of those days where my emotional house came crumbling down and I was so done. I could not get my “give-a-damn” dial to move. It was stuck in that “NO I don’t, at all, ever. Just leave me alone and stop being so demanding.” place that comes a calling every once in awhile when I forget to stop, breathe, pray and trust that all will be well.
After my beloved went and picked up our simple meal (with utensils and paper plates so no dishes…yay!), I got Courtney settled in bed. She was still recovering from her last seizure, so I just rubbed her back until her eyes closed and sleep overtook her.
I could feel her ribs. HER RIBS!! Yes, she has lost that much weight.
I crawled into the most uncomfortable hospital bed on the freaking planet and cried as I held my daughter. It was just another reminder to me that I am not in control of anything in my world.
I know, I know. I am supposed to be handing it over, surrendering it all to Christ. The worry, the lack of faith, the constant barrage of “what if’s”. ALL of it.
Sometimes I can do it and be at peace. Sometimes it’s like I am wrestling with a Sumo wrestler and I am being suffocated to death trying to hold on to control instead of just letting go.
I want to scream like a two year old who has been told they can’t have that piece of candy in the grocery store. I want to stomp my feet and say “But I don’t wanna! I don’t wanna count it all joy. I want it fixed. I don’t wanna make formula every day so that my daughter can eat. I want her to sit at the table and eat like everyone else. I don’t wanna be afraid to get the mail everyday, wondering what financial Twister game we will have to face next. I wanna be able to pay the bills like normal people and just move on. I don’t wanna think about the future and what it holds, the pain, my heart breaking, the goodbye that will eventually come. I wanna think about weddings and grandbabies and sweet moments with my daughter that every time else gets to have. Why not me?? Why can’t I have that too?? This isn’t joy this is slow torture to my mothers heart. This is every mothers worst nightmare times twelve and I am tired. I am so very tired.
Yep, that Sumo wrestler from down under was winning and winning big.
After Miss Courtney fell asleep, I dried my tears on her sheet and climbed out of her bed. Jerry was in the doorway just watching his girls. I wondered what he must think in moments like that?
I didn’t have to wonder long.
“It’s going to be OK Mare. We will figure everything out. We have faced tougher things than this. It’s going to suck, but we will get through it. Go to bed. Get some sleep. I will stay here with Courtney. I love you honey. It’s going to be OK. Trust me”
I do trust him, this man who I have loved for 26 years or more. I trust him with my heart, my very life. So I kissed him and went upstairs to bed. One Advil PM later, I put on my sexy C-PAP mask and I was out.
I dreamt of Courtney running across a field of bluebonnets, looking back at me and laughing. “See Mama, I can do it.” she said as she ran free. It was a beautiful and heart wrenching dream all at the same time.
It’s a dream I have had often throughout her life. Her running free. I think it’s God’s way of showing me that when that time comes, she will run to His arms with such joy that there will be nothing to be sad about. Nothing. She will be free and loved beyond my understanding.
Somewhere in the midst of that sleep, I let her go again. I have done it before and I know because of my humanity I will have to do it again. I waved to her and told her I loved her. She laughed that loud raucous laugh and said ” I know Mama. I have always known.” and she kept running, laughing and jumping for joy.
I woke late this morning. I heard my Courtney laughing. For a moment I thought I was still dreaming. I could hear her through the baby monitor. I picked it up and looked at the video screen and there she was, laughing and kicking her long skinny legs in the air. She was as joy filled as she was in my dream.
I made a choice right then.
|image from ann voskamp|
No tears today.
No worry today.
No pain today.
Today I ask the Father above to help me count it all joy.
I will try my damnedest to be in each moment with my girl. When the mail comes I will set it aside for today. Today is for smiling and singing with my daughter, my sweet ray of sunshine. Today is for cooking a simple yet hearty meal for my guy. Today is for a homemade latte and maybe even something fresh baked from my kitchen. It has been too long since I have fired up my oven.
Today is for creating something beautiful…a home filled with laughter, smiles and maybe even a little chocolate something. Today we will count it all JOY!!
Tomorrow will take care of itself.
PS. Thanks to each and every one of you who lifted me in prayer these last 24 hours. Thanks for the texts, the emails and the grams sent with such kindness and love. Thank you for being there to listen and to encourage. I don’t know where we would be without so many loving us through this journey. For every single person who has ever told me that I “inspire” them, know this…YOU are my inspiration. YOU are my encouragement. YOU are my sunshine. So thank you…thank you form the bottom of my heart.