No, I have not been drinking or smoking anything illegal.
Yes, I have read the Iliad and the Odyssey.
Today was a hard day. It started out innocent enough. There was coffee and a successful phone call or five. I made appointments for Courtney, left messages with the right people, I wrote out my 1000 Gifts post, read a good book, took care of my daughter with lots of love and laughter, made dinner for my husband and we even attended our parishes Lenten Mission.
Nothing to complain about right? It’s all good…
Well, not so much. At least not internally.
The battle that has been brewing for about a week in my head and my heart came to fruition today. It was like the movie 300 was playing out in my heart and I was getting my butt handed to me, slaughtered by self doubt and fear.
I struggle with feeling like I am “smart enough” or “strong enough” or “faithful enough” to do what the Good Lord above has asked me to do. I know that I am meant to be Courtney and Jonathan’s mother, Marianne’s daughter, Jerry’s wife but that does not mean that I feel capable of the job everyday.
You notice a theme here? I struggle with being “enough” no matter in what capacity the questions is asked.
This life is not easy. Being a wife and mother is not easy. Being a caretaker is not easy. Being a woman of faith is not easy. Heck, being a woman over 45 is NOT easy. There are days when physical exhaustion hits me before lunch but Miss Courtney’s adult diapers still need to be changed which require me to either lift her myself or use the lift. Either way there is a lot of squatting and bending and reaching and leaning and rolling and…and…and…
I have some serious weight to lose and a body to exercise. There is paperwork to do and insurance issues to deal with. There is a checkbook that is as tired and flabby as my body, requiring me to make hard choices for our family. There is stress with each choice questioning wether or not I am making the right one. There is a house to care for and a husband who is kind of fond of eating real food, made by his wife formally known as Martha Stewarts sue chef (in his dreams!).
There are outside commitments at church and within my writing circles. Add on to that the stress of never knowing when Miss Courtney will decide to have a grand-mal seizure and stop breathing in the process, leaves me drained most days. Tonight she decided to do it on the way to church, in the car, in rush hour traffic.
Please do not misunderstand. I am blessed to love and care for those special people God has placed in my life. I know that the more I give of myself the more love comes back to me. It’s always been that way. I do not regret one moment of time spent loving my daughter, my son, my husband.
On days when I don’t feel like “enough”, I struggle to find that joy. I have to resist with all my might the siren song of the potato chips, or the beckoning call of the chocolate ice cream. Either would be a disastrous distraction but oh so very yummy. I would overindulge and then feel like an even bigger failure.
I have to resist with all my might and really dig deep to decide who is going to win the battle in my heart and soul. The really ugly dude with the hooved feet and horns offering me salty carbs and sweet sugar, or the one who laid down His life for me, so I would know what true love really looks/feels like.
One look at the cross hanging in my living room and I make my decision. The battle has already been won. I choose love. I choose Him.
He loved me. He died for me. He is “enough” for me. I need to love me and know, truly know, that I am “enough” for Him.
If you are struggling tonight feeling like a failure or not “enough” for whatever situation you are facing or that you just don’t have anything else in you to give, know that I am praying for you, right now and I will continue to do so over the next five weeks of Lent. You are not alone!
We are enough through HIM who gives us strength.