Today I woke up feeling the weight of emotional turmoil happening deep in my heart. I woke up carrying discouragement, disappointment and failure. It is a battle that seeps into my mind at the end of a difficult day where I have lost my temper, spoken unkindly about someone, did not accomplish anything on my yards long “to-do” list, ate too many cookies, have not worked out in two weeks other than to lift a fork to my mouth, yelled at my husband for putting something back in the wrong place, could not write one word that anyone could possibly want to read and it goes on and on.
Yesterday was one of those days where everyone else was doing fabulous and wonderful things and absolutely nothing in my life was going right.
I woke up this morning carrying the residual effects of that no good, very bad, awful day and it looked like it was going to repeat itself. I needed to figure out how to stop that train. Leave it to God to provide the answer.
I am a woman of weak faith at times and it’s days like this that weakness rises to the surface and overwhelms me bringing forth feelings of inadequacy and opening the scabs on those old wounds of “I’m not smart enough” or “I’m not talented enough” or “I’m not patient enough” that I thought I had put away for good.
Nope, for me really bad days bring it all up like the scum on top of water when your boiling beans. It’s unappetizing and downright ugly to look at yet it has to happen in order to make a delicious meal or in my case in order to figure out what was bothering me.
I changed a diaper, made cookies, started dinner, fed Courtney, folded laundry, changed another diaper but NOTHING I did was removing this oppressive feeling of yuck.
So I sat down and answered my email. I came across a blog post that made me stop. It was as if she wrote it just for me. She touched on all of my inadequacies and feelings of failure regarding my writing.
I took a deep breath and kept clicking through email after email and landed once again on words of truth that shook me awake from my stupor of self-pity and self-doubt. I realized that not only was I consumed by fear but I was actually feeling resentful of my life and the fact that I feel so trapped at times that I can’t see straight. I realized that I had replaced HIM with me and that never ends well.
This isn’t how it’s supposed to be.
I can say that until I am blue in the face and it doesn’t change a damm thing. It just shows me that I have forgotten to live in the present moment. I have forgotten that I am not alone in this intense journey that is my life. I have forgotten to trust in Christ who created and allowed EVERYTHING that has happened or will happen.
I am fearful. He is UNWAVERING!
“God is within her, she will not fall; God will help her at break of day.”
To know it is one thing, To LIVE it is quite another. So once again, I fall on my knees and ask my God to help me live it, to help me love it and to help me trust that HE has everything I need.
He will provide the inspiration. The words will flow from HIS truth not mine.
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